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Thread: The Joke Thread (some may have adult humour and language!)

  1. #1
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    The Joke Thread (some may have adult humour and language!)

    NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

    EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

    DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    The Sat and PC Guy
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  2. #2
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    School Exam Answers

    The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

    These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

    Q. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

    Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport.

    Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
    The Sat and PC Guy
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  3. #3
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    Funny one liners

    1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

    5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

    6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

    7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

    8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

    10. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    12. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

    13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

    14. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

    15. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    16. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

    17. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

    18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

    19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    The Sat and PC Guy
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  4. #4
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    Re: The Joke Thread (some may have adult humour and language!)

    Some Jimmy Carr one liners.....


    My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

    Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

    A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."

    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

    My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"

    The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

    Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...

    Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

    The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

    My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

    Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

    I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

    It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

    I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

    I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

    I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
    She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

    I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

    I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

    When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

    My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

    Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
    The Sat and PC Guy
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  5. #5
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    Re: The Joke Thread (some may have adult humour and language!)

    Subject: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep >the chips and dip coming.
    - Alan, age 10

    (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
    God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    - Kristen, age 10


    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    - Camille, age 10

    (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    - Derrick, age 8


    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    (1) Both don't want any more kids.
    - Lori, age 8


    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

    (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    - Martin, age 10


    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    -Craig, age 9


    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    (1) When they're rich.
    - Pam, age 7

    (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    - Curt, age 7

    (3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    - Howard, age 8


    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    (1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
    - Theodore, age 8

    (2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    (1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    - Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is........


    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    (1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
    - Ricky, age 10
    The Sat and PC Guy
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  6. #6
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    WHY GOD MADE MUM'S

    WHY GOD MADE MUM'S

    WHY GOD MADE MUM'S
    Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

    What kind of a little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine..

    What does your mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
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